*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
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me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)