It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
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Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.