Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
You Might Also Like
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
happy valentine’s day to me
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.