Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
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Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Me :
All Day At Night
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Real House Wines.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.