who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
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“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Air conditioning – not a fan
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten