whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
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I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.