Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
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maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it