When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
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*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*