Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
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The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.