Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
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[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Good Morning.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
this is how life feels
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]