Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
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You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Was it something I said?
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling