Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
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bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein