Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
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My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!