Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
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Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I have no passwords left in me
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”