Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
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It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?