They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
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I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.