I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
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I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.