People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
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i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
crying
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Pot warmers of the day.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
mood
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.