I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
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“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?