My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
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I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”