I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
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A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I’m good, thanks.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
i want the dreams to chase me for once
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
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They’re the only culture some people have.