You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
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[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
The Sun
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.