At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
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My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
My life in a nutshell
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.