[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
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caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.