“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
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You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I have obtained a hat
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?