Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
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I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Thrilling chase underway
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”