*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
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If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I really had high hopes for this year though
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos