I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
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age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court