I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
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Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.