After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
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LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.