I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
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Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
*jazz hands*
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower