i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
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Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.