[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
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I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…