when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
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can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
I never needed anything more in my life
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?