[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
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Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
knights of the ikea table
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders