My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
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My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo