If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
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[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
See..?
.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
what it’s like dating me:
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.