“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
You Might Also Like
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.