Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
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My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.