I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
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“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.