Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
You Might Also Like
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.