Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
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[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Beware of the dog..
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
When can I start eating bats again.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me