Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
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My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.