FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
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I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Happy thanksgiving
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
#parenting
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.