How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
You Might Also Like
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
🤣