Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
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I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
early stone age tool
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point