ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
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Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.