I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
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SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.