Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
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1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
what are they serving at kfc then???
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Morning my dudes.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife