My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
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Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.